Another Year Wiser: Birthday Reflections
After almost 30 years, I've decided to stop hiding..
Today, I celebrate 37 years earth-side in this lifetime. Around this time last year (Summer 2022), my husband and I were in the thick of a cross-country move from Illinois to Arizona. We spent months packing our most valuable items and left behind what no longer served us physically and energetically.
Our dog, Toro, was recovering from surgery during this stressful and emotional time. He was a trooper for the two-day car ride with one overnight stop.
Over the past few years, astrologically and energetically, I've noticed that there always seems to be a lot going on around this time of year for me. This year (from April - June), the ass-beating and upgrade from the Universe happened with Toro being diagnosed with an incurable disease. Next, my husband fell ill (he’s better now), and then my health became at risk, making me question my mortality.
The questions and realizations that echoed in my mind were:
I don’t rest enough; I need to learn how.
There are projects and endeavors I’ve been working on that don’t align with me anymore.
I could be gone tomorrow.
It’s time to lean deeper into my passions.
What do I want?
What the hell am I doing?
What brought me the most joy as a child?
I know the Universe and my Spirit Guides have been trying to get my attention.
In June, I met with my psychic and she channeled a message from my Spirit Guides. She shared her visions and insights. She said:
“I’m seeing a box in the corner of a dark room. Inside the box is your heart. Your heart is bruised. What is it that you really want?”
This has been echoing in my mind for weeks. Along with this message echoing in my mind have been visions of my eight-year-old self writing my little heart out. Writing is what I’ve been longing to do for decades. I wrote everything from short stories, poetry, and deep thoughts in my trusty old diary. This was my therapy and I chased this feeling in high school and joined the school newspaper, then I went to college to pursue a degree in Print Journalism. My dream was to write for a Hip Hop publication or the Chicago Tribune.
Upon graduation, a recession hit and I had to figure out what was next for me. Reality after graduation had me feeling somber and hopeless. My classmates had exciting opportunities lined up and here I was with a retail job and scavenging for freelance writing work.
I tried my hand at starting several blogs and eventually landed at an online Hip Hop publication which was exciting for a moment but turned out to be too chaotic for my nervous system. From late-night parties to getting stood up by artists because they didn’t feel like being interviewed, I kept thinking: this can’t be life. I didn’t go to school for this. This was not on my vision board!
I lost hope and stopped writing professionally but behind closed doors, my pen never stopped moving.
During my corporate career, my writing ability was seen as an asset and it certainly benefited me, however, it wasn’t fulfilling. It felt so robotic and by the book. I felt like my creative ability was being held captive and I wanted to break free.
At the height of the pandemic, I exited the corporate world and went on to work for myself. One of the many tasks I held (and still do) is helping my clients get their creative juices going by providing the creative foundation for their newsletters, websites, and social media. I didn’t realize that as I was creatively coaching my clients, I was creatively coaching myself.
I’ve always had a dream of being the author of several life-changing publications but kept pushing this desire aside, sadly because of capitalism and fear. However, my dreams, astrological chart, human design, and subconscious mind aren’t allowing me to forget the true artist that lies deep in my DNA.
Every night before bed, I welcome my ancestors and my guides into my dreams. I asked them to show me what I should be doing. Believe it or not, I dreamt of words slowly scrolling on a computer screen. Shrugging this dream off, I went on to pursue projects that had very little to do with my passion and although they were beautiful journeys, I found myself letting go of those projects because they were misaligned with my energy.
I subconsciously haven’t been taking my passion for writing seriously because of past failures. As wisdom continues to greet me, I’ve come to learn that I am not my past failures. I have notebooks full of poetry and more that I would love to share with the world.
At 37, I’m just now feeling more safe to be seen as I am.
My inner child has always been afraid of being judged or made fun of. But, my essence is what makes me who I am.
I launched this Substack in honor of my birthday as an act of self-love and self-care and to release my creative work back into the world. I’m signaling to the Universe that I’m more than ready this time. My arms are open to whatever wants to conspire in my favor. You can find out more about me here.
Happy Birthday to me.