Exiting Toxic Environments & Cultivating Self-Support
When those closest to you don't support you...
“You cannot stay in environments where people don’t know the true value of you. If you stay in environments where people don’t recognize the value of you, you will shrink your gift to the size of what they can stand. And that’s what causes anxiety, and depression, and stress because you’ve had to shrink into a form where people can tolerate you.” - Pastor Keion Henderson
I thought I would be excited to book my flight back home to visit friends and family who I hadn’t seen in a year after moving to Arizona; it was the opposite.
This trip felt like an obligation, not a vacation.
I was filled with complex feelings of anxiety and dread; however, I was looking forward to seeing those whom I had been in contact with since I left Chicago.
The flight foreshadowed my overall experience of visiting the land that raised me: turbulent with pockets of air that allowed for easeful flying. I could energetically feel that we were getting closer to Chicago: the sky was gloomy, and I felt like I was timeline jumping into a period I left behind for a reason.
Before getting off the airplane, I attempted to prepare and ground myself for the change in climate and the chaos of O’hare airport and emotionally dysregulated family members.
While it was great to see supportive friends and family physically, it was energetically draining to be around certain family members who are ignorant to the concept of:
Changing environments for growth
Living my life for myself and not them
Creating my happiness
Not living in the past
There is no age limit to finding yourself
Sensitivity is not a weakness, it’s a superpower
My feelings matter
It’s not my responsibility to ensure that my purpose is understood, but I’m not going to pretend that not having support from certain relatives isn’t hurtful sometimes. Although I do not have to explain myself to anyone, sometimes it’s still exhausting to uphold and defend the boundary of not explaining myself.
“The main reason they [those closest to you] don’t support it [growth] is because you’re killing off the person they love. You’re changing who you are, and they’re comfortable with who you are, and they feel that their reality too is caught up in who you are being, so when you decide to change, you’re killing off their buddy, and you’re screwing up their reality because you fit into theirs.” - Jen Sincero, Author
The Wisdom in Breaking Curses
The older I get, the more I realize that most will support you and your endeavors until it begins to make them uncomfortable. I can truthfully say that I’ve had an overwhelming amount of support when it came to graduating from high school and college, but the support began to dissolve when:
I began traveling internationally
I began writing and creating art
I began questioning Christianity and exploring other religions out of pure interest
I began exploring my spirituality and finding what works best for me
I began going to therapy
I learned what boundaries where
I began repairing my nervous system
I learned the dynamics of toxic relationships (work, friends, and family)
I learned to stand up for myself
During my visit back home, I realized that my happiness and expansion irritated several people, and that’s a realization that I’ve had to make peace with. Although it’s unfortunate I cannot share the good things that are happening in my life freely, It’s necessary to protect my peace.
I’ve always heard the concept of aging and your social circle shrinking, which I’ve experienced and am content with. But I rarely hear the idea of growth equating to your circle of family support shrinking. This is a reality that I’m currently navigating.
I refuse to:
Shrink myself to make others comfortable
Allow others to use my nervous system as a playground
Be the energetic sacrifice for someone else’s painful past
Exist in toxic and unsupportive environments
Excuse the behavior of someone who requires professional support
Tolerate disrespect
Apologize for my growth
I guess this is what breaking generational curses looks like for me.
Despite my experience of visiting home and being flooded with reminders of why I left, I want to acknowledge the unwavering support that I regularly receive from my husband, mother, ancestors, and the small circle of chosen sisters and relatives. I also want to acknowledge those of you who have engaged with my work over the years and those who are new to my work. It brings me joy to know that you find my work to be a source of support and self-inquiry. Your encouragement adds fuel to my creative fire. Thank you.
Affirmations that are supporting me right now:
I am allowed to find myself and start over as many times as I need to.
I am a valuable and unique individual deserving of love, respect, and support.
I trust my ability to create a fulfilling and meaningful life, even without a traditional support system.
I am capable of building a strong support network, and I attract positive and supportive people into my life.
The only standards I need to live up to are my own.
Sending you astral hugs wherever you are physically, mentally, or emotionally in life.
If you need extra support these days, click here for one of the many exercises that helped soothe my anxiety during my trip back home.
Thank you for being honest, open & vulnerable. Your strength is a beautiful example for us all. Continue to take up space, Key. 💜
This is so, so good! It hits home. Lots of gems but this quote stuck with me: “The main reason they [those closest to you] don’t support it [growth] is because you’re killing off the person they love. You’re changing who you are, and they’re comfortable with who you are, and they feel that their reality too is caught up in who you are being, so when you decide to change, you’re killing off their buddy, and you’re screwing up their reality because you fit into theirs.” - Jen Sincero, Author